I hope this doesn't come off humble-braggy, but I feel like I'm surrounded by super needy people lately.
It might be a little low self-esteem, where I feel that anyone that wants my time must be desperate and is therefore unworthy. And I don't like being like that. But I can't help feeling this wave of disgust and contemptuousness for all these people that demand my time.
Family members, who are bored and waiting for a partner and crime to do something
a lonely friend, who is willing to spend more money than I'm willing to on dinners. My company is costing me.
Four different employers, with tasks that you can't just leave at "the office."
And then this jeweler that does some work for me. I put up with him because he gives me super low prices because he thinks I'm cute, but it's a devil's bargain. I thought he was just a nice oldish man, until he totally began violating the formality of service provider and customer. I thought it was just a lost-in-translation thing that he kept addressing me by name in every text. And then I was super creeped out. From texting I miss you to shyly but insistently asking that I come by his booth every week. No. I don't even know you. You don't fucking get to demand my time. Fuck you. You creepy fuck. I hate your salt and pepper ponytail, how you look like a fucking grandpa, how you look lost and nervous but yet think it's totally ok to demand my time. How you don't feel ashamed at all. It makes me want to hurt you, to make you feel as pathetic as you look.
***
I know it is partly my fault for not wanting to hurt feelings, when these people probably aren't that needy at all, it's because I don't turn them down that they feel like they can keep pulling. I've slowly been more honest though, about my interests, about my budget. I should be more honest, because it's an ugly tug-of-war feeling resentment for always being stuck being the "good guy" and fear of guilt if I'm not the "good guy." It always ends in disaster.
And I know the tide always turns and next thing I know, I'll be the one desperate for company, or money.
